Sometimes, you have those days where everything is going awesome, and then you run into a Unicorn and die. I hate those days.

I don't even know what's going on right now. There are people all around me, yet, I feel like I should eat a laffy taffy.

Emotionally Stable

Sometimes, I pretend to be emotionally stable.

But, let's be honest, a lot of people pretend to be emotionally stable when they're really not. And I don't really get why. I don't get why we all have to pretend to act fine when we're really not fine at all and how when we are feeling fine we can't even do anything about it like throw a party, cause people don't notice a difference, because we're always acting fine anyways.

Why is it that we feel like we must hide our feelings and emotions?

I don't know. But I hate it. I want to celebrate the small things, the good days. I want to be happy when I'm happy, and sad when I'm sad. I want to express the feelings and emotions that I'm experiencing! I don't understand why that is just so hard for people to see.
But the thing is, it's not just hard for people to see. It's hard for people to do. We have been trained to not show too much emotion or feeling, because we're been told it's bad. But you know what is worst? Hiding how you feel, and being miserable inside but pretending to be happy on the outside. It took me a long time,
but
I've finally realized
it's OKAY to be sad.

Emotions, including the negative ones, are healthy. They are good for us, they show that we're alive! And I don't know about you, but I quite enjoy being alive.

Julee is my guitar. Actually, she's Dallin or Jerrica's guitar.. But I'm claiming her as my own.

Here's the thing about Julee. She has flaws. Just like drop, my ukulele, and just like me, like the mist.

Lately, I've been feeling more flaw than human.

Like maybe I was a mistake, not supposed to happen.

But then I think to my self "Self! Shut up! You're awesome!"

And you know what? My self is right! I once heard this quote.

And I kinda wanna change that

and say

I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with.. Well... I don't know what I want to say to be honest.

I guess good intentions is good. I don't know.

I want to say something like love, or inner beauty, or something. But really, I'm just trying to sound deep and emotionally stable.

Which I am not.

But that's okay, because who IS emotionally stable? Not very many people, I can tell you that.
Look to my next blog post for more of this emotionally stable stuff. Cause I like where this is going.

a good one

Books

So, I'm officially in debt for the first time in my life. It feels horrible. I'm never going to do this ever again. I just HATE textbooks. I only bought five! What the piss. I'm so poor it's not even funny.

I'm currently watching Reba. And it's great. I mean, I'm supposed to be doing my math homework, but..
Yolo.

Me and Jess Jess are Sick.

Love, me

Love is a hard thing to do. I don't just mean love. I mean trusting, falling, completely engulfed, your heart in their hands, know all your weaknesses, love.

Love is also a pretty strange thing.

You give your whole being to someone else. Put the power of destroying your life, in their hands. My question is, is it true that it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all? Because sometimes, I feel the opposite is truer than true. That it's better to just take it all back and forget it all happened, because you hurt and hurting sucks.

But I'm getting off topic. What I'm trying to say here is, love is hard.

But you know what's even harder? Loving yourself.

I'm going to teach you how, though. In 3 easy steps.

1. Tell yourself you are awesome and that you love you for you and you don't care what others think.

No, seriously. Do it every morning in the mirror while you look at yourself. Because, the first few times, it's gonna be pretty awkward, and even hard to do. But keep doing it. Never stop. Tell yourself that you are strong, that you are amazing, that you make mistakes and that's okay, because everyone makes mistakes.

2. Don't judge, that includes yourself.

Judging is just something we as humans do. We judge individuals, we judge groups, and we judge ourselves. Straight up, getting judged sucks, and we wish it wasn't a thing. But it is. And we have to deal with that, because we can't change what others do or think or say. But you know what we can change? What we do or think or say. And we can make us, one less person to judge us.

3. Stop criticizing yourself and stop comparing yourself to others.

Yeah, sure, you done messed up. You did something wrong. But do you wanna know a secret? Everyone on this earth has done somethings wrong. It's a thing that happens. And you know what? You are unique. That means there is no one else that is exactly like you. Your situation is unique, your body is unique, your home life is unique, everything about you is unique. So how could you even start to compare yourself to others? Because, when you do start to compare yourself to others, you compare your worst traits to their best.

Now, I haven't quite mastered these three steps, and I haven't quite mastered loving myself. But I'm on my way there. And you will be too, soon. And yeah, it's gonna totally suck sometimes. But when it starts to suck, look at pictures of babies and puppies and kittens, then you'll feel better.

Picture Credit:: Jerrica Ciel Osmun Pond

the Sickness problem

I'm sick. So that's cool.

Day before school starts, I get sick. Awesome. I love life. But really, life is pretty great other than the sickness problem.

Classes start tomorrow, and I have a pretty rad schedule. I have two jobs so I'm gettin' paypur. And my apartment is awesome and full of awesome people. So I guess you could say life is going pretty well. Except for some days it's bad, so that's a thing.

I've been working all day all week, so that's why I haven't been able to blog too much lately. It pretty much murdered my feet and knees, but that's okay. Cause I got paypur.

And because classes start tomorrow, I am going to be busy a lot more, so I won't be able to blog as much. But, I mean, who knows, because I might just have nothing to do all day, so I'll blog all day every day.

So that might be a thing.

This is Happening.

Sometimes, I miss my best friends. The old ones that I don't talk to anymore. Or, more like, the ones that don't talk to me anymore.
You see, there are two people that, I thought, were my whole life.
Those of you who have read my blog before, probably know who I'm talking about. And, I know, I told you I wasn't going to write about them anymore (more him than the other). But I'm going to. Because I'm weakling. Also, yolo.

For those of you who don't know who I'm talking about, don't worry about it. Because there's no point in naming names of those who are in my past.

Him number one. Was my first real boyfriend. My first real kiss. And, my first real best friend. But are they really a best friend if they leave you? I don't know, that's for you to decide. And, haha, the funny thing is, I think about him.. Pretty much every day. And you know what? I absolutely hate it. Because he probably thinks of me a total of zero times a day. I seriously doubt he even thinks of me on my birthday.

Him number two. Haha, it's funny, this was recent. He told me his girlfriend didn't want him to talk to anyone who was involved in his past, whatever that means. And one, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who made me stop talking to my friends, and two, maybe it wasn't his girlfriend at all maybe that was his excuse so he didn't have to talk to me anymore.

I should just forget about both of them. They are not worth my time. So why do I keep thinking about them? Why do I keep blogging about them? Why do I keep talking about them?

I don't know. But I hate it.

(almost)allthewaymovedin

so... Today was long.
that's all I wanna say about it.


I found a new song.

Wasn't that great?

Moving part II

not excited not excited not excited

I just keep repeating this. Because, you know, I'm not excited.
Basically, I feel like this:

And then, when I remember that I have to move again.. I'm all



and then

bae

breakfast burrito
Okay. Let's just talk about this for a second.

Warm tortilla.
Fluffy eggs.
Crispy potatoes.
melted cheese
Extra hot hot sauce.

Like, really? Why would someone not want that?
I gotta find a taco bell or somethin' around here.
What the Piss.




Found one.

Hashtag Rancheritos is better.

really

You know what I think is dumb?

How it takes the death of a celebrity to make people think about mental illness for a few days.
How suddenly people care about those with depression.
But in a few days, they'll forget.

FREAK I'M NERVOUS

So I mess up a few times...

Man, I'm so nervous. I've never put my singing up before.

And.... Here it is.

Don't feel obligated to watch the whole thing.

Also, this was done with Photo Booth on my mac... So that's half the struggle right there.

LOVE IT

Man, you know what I love? When people say that they hate fake friends. And they're one of your fake friends.

It's like,
really?
you're gonna go there?
Well. If you're gonna go there, I'm gonna go there too.

I know this saying type thing. It goes
"
You came into my life for a reason. Either you're a blessing, or you're a lesson.
"
I'm glad I met everyone in my life that I've met. Just kidding. Or maybe I'm just kidding about that? Man. I don't know.

I mean, I could have done without J. And D. And A. I really don't see anything positive that came from those relationships. I got played. I got forgotten. And then, I got torn apart from the inside out.
I've been trying to think, lately, about what I gained from those three relationships. Yeah, they were awesome while they lasted, but they weren't worth the pain they caused in the end. I mean, I don't know.. I don't know what my life would have been like if I hadn't gone through those "relationships."
What I'm trying to say is, they were lessons. They were blessings at one point, but in the end? They were lessons. Big, painful lessons, that I think I could have done without.

Moving

So I'm currently moving apartments to C1 instead of P2.... I'm pretty excited, because for the first few days it will only be Cara and I.

... You know what that means..?

Famous

I want to be famous.

Maybe not really famous.

But a little bit famous.

Like, Utah famous.

Or locally famous.

I don't know.

But I think it would be super cool.

And I have an idea of how to do it. But I'm not sure I want to do this thing. Because it would sort of really change my life.

Also, if I do this thing. I could go on a speaking tour and talk to high school students and stuff. And I could help others. And it would be great.

But I still don't know if I want to do this thing. Because, if I do, I may lose some people from my life.

I don't know. Maybe I'm being too dramatic.

Lately

Remember my blog post "Disaster had Struck" or something like that? Well. I blogged too soon. For yet another horrible accident has come upon the Osmun(/Dustin/Pond) family.

Last night, my older sister, Jerrica, and her husband, Brett, were in a car accident.

Now, before you all freak out and start crying, like I did at work, they're both alive.

I don't know how much to put on here, because my lovely sister will probably blog about it HERE sometime soon.
But basically, car crash, no deaths, concussion, everyone is okay.... Ish.


I never really believed in bad luck or karma. But I'm not so sure now. Because, you see, we have been getting a lot of crappy things happen to us lately. My gramps, my mom, my sister and brother in law, and I think something else is bound to happen. I'll keep you updated. Unless the next thing is gonna happen to me...


Crap.

Scheduling

Okay. So over the school year, I'm going to be busy.

Everyday I will either be up and at class by 8:00 or 9:00.

Then I will have class until either 2:50 (most days), or 12:50 (a few days).

After I get out of class, I will head over to one of my jobs. I'm going to be tutoring little kids after they get out of school!

On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I will be going from the tutoring job straight to the Junction job, and I will do midnight meals on those days/nights.

Then I'll go to bed.

Wake up.

And repeat.

It's gonna be a real party, let me just tell you.

okay

I really just want to type out some depressing post about "him" and be dramatic and stuff. But I'm not that kind of girl.
But let me just say, it has been a roller coaster of a day.

And why is that?
I don't know.


I feel like I blog too much. And normally, that would be a problem. But no one has said anything, and no one really reads my blog anyway. So I am going to blog as much as I want to. And whoever has a problem with that can stop reading right..... Now.

I'm not taking anybody's crap today.



And you know what else? I wish I was talented at something.
I know. People say this because they want people to be all "Oh my, Sierra, you ARE talented!!"
And here's the thing. I know I'm sorta talented.
Like, I'm not a terrible artist. And I can play a few instruments. And I can irish dance. And I can ski.
But I just feel like... I'm not talented. I wish I was more talented. But oh well.

My First Faces

So...

As many of you know...

I paint.

And I absolutely adore it. I don't know how good I am per-say (did I use that correctly?), but I love it.

Now. This is quite the gutsy move for me. I don't like showing my art work very much. I've done it, like, 4 times in my life time, and 2 of those were here on my blog. So here it goes...

Keep scrolling, and you will find the first faces i've ever painted..

I'm nervous..

^I painted this one first^

^I don't know about this one^

^I don't like this one, but the lips are good-ish^

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i521M1AuvLI

Yeah......... I Got Nothing.

I honestly can not think of anything to blog about. And do you know what that means?

TIME TO TYPE WHATEVER POPS INTO MY MIND.

Also, I need to think of something to call this little activity.

I have a moral dilemma (I had to ask Cara how to spell that). I want to get married, but I am still disgusted (had to ask Cara how to spell that too) when people my age get married. It's a struggle. The struggle is real. Struggle bus. I'm eating cookie dough. And I had fruit loops for breakfast. I meant to have a breakfast burrito, but I forgot about that and had those round, beautiful, colorful loops instead. I love them. If I could marry fruit loops, I would. Okay seriously I don't have anything to say right now. This is just sad. Also, there are fruit flies all over my plants.

Let's try again. Because that was awfully boring..

I have a secret. And I want to tell you. But also, I don't want to. Because this is a blog. And a blog is not meant for secrets. A blog is meant for thoughtless thoughts and feelings of all sorts. PISS I just bit my cheek really, really hard. Ouch. That really hurt Charlie.

This is still boring. I gotta just think of something specific to blog about.

Except most of my dear readers (all three of them) have probably stopped reading by now. So I could say whatever I want.

I'm pregnant!

I just got a tattoo!

I'm engaged!

I just got back from the moon!

Okay. All of those are lies.

Except the last one... Cause I really did just get back from visiting the moon...

Okay, you got me, I lied about that too.

Okay. Time to buckle down and blog about some serious crap.

MAC AND CHEESE IS DELICIOUS.

Also, Fruit Loops.

Compliments of Maddi.

Maddi, Cara, Jessica

Some people may say I post too much. And you know what I say to that?
I WILL BITE MY THUMB AT YOU SIR.
-Name that Jess Jess. I bet you know it.-

So now that we've got that out of the way, let's talk about my friends.

More specifically, the ones in Logan.
More specifically; Jessica, Maddi, Cara. In no specific order

Cara.
Care bear is awesome. She has the best care bear stare in the history of care bear stares. She's really good at making you feel welcome. And buying you Panda Express. Cara is my roommate, and I love it cause we can hang around in our underwear all day in our room and neither of us care! She is also in love with our friend, Jason. But that's another story for another time. Cara is a strong person, she is.. So, so strong. Really, that's the most accurate word for her. She is strong. She is awesome. She is peppy. She is strong.

Jessica.
First things first. I am the only one that can call her Jess Jess. You call her Jess Jess, and you're dead to me. On lighter, happier notes, I luff her. Jess Jess can always make me smile. And when I need her, she's there. I always climb on top of her and say "hold me hold me hold me hold me" over and over and over again, and she just... Holds me. She is the best friend that anyone could ask for. She goes along with all of my crazy ideas, and she supports me in all that I do. Really, she is simply amazing. And, also, she is my best friend. So don't think of stealing her for yourself.

Maddi.
Maddi, I know you're reading this. And I need you to know something. YOU'RE AWESOME. Okay people. Really. Maddi is the best person I know. No joke. She is always caring for others, and she is always wanting to do what you're doing. When Maddi is around, you can't help but smile. You can't help but feel warm and fuzzy inside, because she makes you feel loved. She maked everyone feel loved. She is so soft and amazing, I can't even handle it. Maddi is... Incredible. And the most incredible thing about her, is that she doesn't know she's incredible. Ridiculous woman.

I don't know about you, but I did NOT say Jell-AY

I MISS JESS JESS

And after all of that, we never got a final cut.

What the piss.

(Sorry if there are repeats..)

why does no one ever want to hang out with me

i feel like a loner sometimes
people always say that i have so many friends and i am so social
yet sometimes i just want to cry and curl up in a little ball and not talk ever again
but people wouldnt accept that now would they

people dont realize that i have feelings too
you know
everyone has feelings and all that crap
and mine are all too real
yours are all too real
hers are all too real
his are all too real

heres a good song for you to listen to and wallow in self pity to

its not too sad of a song

but its really good and has an awesome tune

also this one

my favorite part of that second one is at 3:15 to 3:30 seconds

its pretty much really awesome

i just really hate feeling poopy

and really

i have no reason to feel poopy

but i do and i hate it

Disaster has Struck!!

Okay.
I don't remember what I told you. But I'm going to re-tell you.

My grandpa. Gramps. Hospital. Heart Surgery. Bleed. Another surgery. Another surgery. Pacemaker. More hospital.

My mom. Momma. Cruise. Off ship. Bike ride. Crash. Hospital. Procedures. Plane home. Hospital. Surgery. Home. Soft foods. Swollen. More crap.

So basically, my family is going through a lot right now. I don't get what is happening. I feel like I'm next for some reason. Like I'm going to end up in the hospital for something.

And you know what? Bad things come in 3s!

AAHHH.

I started another blog, right? To inspire people and make them happy and feel like their life is going somewhere.

I haven't written in it in a while.

I don't know. Sometimes, I feel like I should take my own advise. I have this friend who's going through some crap, and I always just tell her
how can you help people be happy if you're not happy?
And
you need to stop comparing yourself with others, because you're an individual and you have your specific problems that are hard for you.
And I just feel like I should listen to that.


The struggle is real.

This may be a little Confusing

Remember that one time when I wanted to be an artist? Yeah, well, I think I'm gonna not do that anymore.

I just don't get it. Why are people so rude? I don't know.

So my grandpa, the one who had heart surgery, is not doing too well. We were gonna go to Lake Powell tomorrow, but now we're gonna stay for him and my mom.

I don't know. I don't feel good enough. Like, yeah, I'm a decent artist. But am I good?

Straight up, I don't get why people have to be such jerks.

Which, it sucks that we aren't going to Lake Powell anymore, but also it sucks even more that my grandpa isn't doing too hot.

I don't know. I just feel like poop. I don't ever want to draw or paint again, because I just suck so bad. I don't know. I don't know. I'm not saying this so that you will be all "Oh Sierra, you're such a great artist I love your art blah blah blah!!"

And it's not even what they say. It's what they do, and what they post, and their attitudes towards other people.

And if we went to Lake Powell, we would all just worry about it the whole time, and my mom wouldn't be able to come.

Sometimes I feel ignored.

I don't like that. I feel as though no one cares about me or my opinion or what happens to me or anything. And I feel like I could run away and I could just live forever alone and no one would even care or think about me too much. But then, I think of that same situation, of me being gone that is, but with me being dead. And you know what, I think that people thing that is a little bit different than just running away. But is it really? Because, um, the people still wouldn't see me, and no one would really think about me too much, after a while anyway. And, I know people would say otherwise, but they really wouldn't care after a while either. I mean, some people would care for forever, like my mom and my dad. But others, like the people in my ward or my neighbors, wouldn't really care, or maybe not even notice really.

Sometimes I feel like all the attention is on me.

I don't like that either. Because people seem to mainly focus on the bad things most of the time. Or a lot of the time. And, I mean, everyone does it. And no, I'm not talking about me right now. I'm just going on a little side tangent about how people focus on the bad and not the good and I think it should be the other way around. Because there are just so many good things in this world. Like butterflies and paint and lasagna. You know? Anyway. When all the attention is on you it's either something that happened that was super good or super bad, or, SUPER good or SUPER bad. Depending on the level of what happened. And either way, I don't like it. I don't like having all the attention on me when it;s super good, cause then I feel very much pressured to say good things and have a good face on and be happy the whole time. But sometimes, I just get tired. And then, when I get all the attention because of something super bad, I want (or do) cry. Because, you know, the struggle is real and people are always mean when it's something super bad, and SUPER bad.

I don't know. This is the type of thing that I think about when I drive or listen to music with no words or go poop or blog.

I don't think I should be able to do any of those things. Well, except poop, because that is just required of the human body.

Crazy happenings, the lot of it.

Hello. I'm going to Lake Powell tomorrow. Actually. Not tomorrow, the day after tomorrow. It's gonna be a party.
We were planning on going tomorrow, but then we changed our minds. Cause, you see, my mother is very sick still... Did I ever tell you what happened to my muth? Well, basically, bike crash, face crushed, surgery.

Crazy happenings, the lot of it.

So we cancelled our Lake Powell trip, cause she couldn't get her face wet. But then, some kind souls offered us one of their houseboat weeks! And we took it!
So now, we're going to Lake Powell this week! But tomorrow, in Lake Powell, it's supposed to be rainy all day and night. Also, my mom isn't feeling too hot.
So that is why we are going on Tuesday instead of tomorrow, Monday.

Did I also mention my gramps got surgery the other day? Like... On Wednesday? Well, he did. Heart surgery.

Crazy happenings, the lot of it.

So he was/is unconscious for a few days after, and yesterday he had a bleed. But they fixed it, stabilized it/him, and... Yep.

But yes. We are going to Lake Powell on Tuesday. And we are going with the Thomas family (minus Josh, who is currently in Fiji on his mish) and the Valletta family (minus no one, but I wanted to put a parentheses here, cause there was one after that one^).
And the Osmun family (minus the twins).

Sometimes, you get to a point where it doesn't seem worth it.

Whether that's a boy, life, homework, whatever.